I would be lying if I didn't say I was shocked. How vastly different from when I first learned your brother had entered my womb. Years of trying, ovulation strips, pregnancy test after pregnancy test. But with you, my little miracle, I walked to the store hand in hand with your brother, I casually threw a dollar store pregnancy text in our basket while picking up other things. I didn't film taking the test like I had obsessively done time and time again with your brother. No, I just casually peed on it with Hyder peeing on his potty beside me. There was no way after my cycle had just restarted after having your brother; only two cycles and not trying in the slightest that you could have entered my womb. Not after the roller coaster of fertility doctors and appointments a few years prior. When the second line almost instantly appeared I looked at your brother and it felt like the whole world stopped. I won't even begin to explain the complex emotions that came over me. What I will tell you is I instantly felt so protective of you. Holding Hyder in my arms feeling his skin on mine, tears rolling down my face, I explained; "baby, you're going to be a brother" it almost didn't feel real saying it. For five days only Hyder and I knew. Again, I felt fiercely protective of you; my quiet baby blessing. At nap time or bedtime Hyder and I whispered about the baby growing inside of me. The three of us, our little secret I wanted to savour.
I am a second child as well, and I know the emotions that come with that. I feel so divinely connected to you already. So different from last time; no obsessively downloading apps and scrolling Pinterest. No panicking at any twinge or sensation. No obsessively fearing blood each time I use the bathroom. No, with you I feel peace. I feel assured. I feel comfortable. Are there complex emotions surrounding if I can be enough of a mother to you both? Yes, so deeply yes. I love being your brothers entire world, I love him in his barnacle baby ways. But all of the complex emotions I feel are not about you. They are about me and my own ability to hold the space you each deserve. I feel a sense of grief knowing you won't be able to have the same amount of me as I gave your brother; that is just a realistic and sobering thought. There will be two of you, but I want you to know you, my miracle, you have always been fiercely wanted and loved. You entered my body so calmly, so quietly, I wonder if this is a sign of your demeanour, or a sign of mine as your mama. Maybe it's a glimmer into our relationship dynamic.
You'll hear stories of how your dad and I fought so hard for Hyder, how we overcame everything to start our family. What I hope is you know that was for you too. Because it was always meant to be you and him. I knew that, your dad knew that. We designed our lives for that. We bought a new vehicle with more seats and started a new build because we always knew you would come; we just didn't know when. But we always created space for you, we wanted you to feel that there was room for you, for whenever you were ready to come down. No we didn't obsessively try for you, we just held space and prayers for you. Knowing and trusting so deeply that you knew your time. We didn't try to control this, we just kept our hearts open and surrendered.
My hands fall to my womb space, and I feel you there. Not moving yet, not a growing belly, but I feel you. I feel your soul entangling with mine. I feel your calmness washing over my own insecurities. I feel your wisdom laying a peaceful energy around this pregnancy. Our pregnancy. I feel you whispering into my heart. I know this experience will be so different from the last, this feels so much softer, calmer, and relaxed. I feel you guiding me, I feel you teaching me even now as you are just starting to grow. You are wise little one, I feel that, you are self assured, you don't have a timeline. You, my quiet, and gentle baby feel so easeful.
Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for coming home to us.
xoxo
~ Lacey Iris
